I've been so wrong

Remember a few posts ago, when I was worried about what I was going to do?  Nox was still lame (horse speak for limping or an abnormal gait, not the modern "he's so lame" sense) and seemed worse than before.  I had him evaluated again by the sports therapist who told me not to worry, that he just needed to be pushed through the stiffness in his front left leg, and to work him harder.  I decided that if I didn't see improvement in a few months, I would schedule a visit with a lameness specialist vet.  In the meantime, I would work him harder.

The lameness is worse.  I haven't ridden him in a month, because I just couldn't bear to continue to make him work when he was hurting.  I made an appointment with a lameness specialist who makes barn visits.  Nox's appointment was yesterday.  It was a three step process:

Step One - Flexion Tests and Lunging

Dr. Meg watched Nox walk, trot, and canter in a circle in both directions.  Then she performed flexion tests on each leg.  She bent a joint in his leg and held it for 30 seconds, and then asked me to trot him away from her in a straight line.  She looked for pronounced lameness after each flexion test.  Finding: Nox is lame in his right hind leg, around the hock area.  My shock: out of all four of his legs, I thought the right hind leg was the only one that was fine.  Stupid me.

Step Two - Nerve Block

Dr. Meg blocked the nerve in his right hind leg just above where she suspected the injury was.  We waited a few minutes, and then she asked her technician to lunge Nox again.  Nox, unable to feel the pain in his right hind leg anymore, floated and bounced around the ring.  He extended his front legs and trotted like I've never seen before, and Dr. Meg said, "80% improvement, and by the way, he is a lovely mover."  Finding: Nox has a tear in the origin of the suspensory ligament in his right hind leg.  My shock: the pain in his right hind leg is causing all of the problems, including the short strides in the front legs.

Step Three: Ultrasound

Dr. Meg did an ultrasound on the injured hind leg to see how much damage there was to the suspensory ligament.  In order to do the ultrasound, Nox had to be sedated.  She gave him just enough drugs to make his head hang down almost to the ground, but he was still barely able to stand.  His eyelids drooped, his lower lip flopped, and he swayed back and forth on wobbly legs.  I stood by his head and held the lead rope, but he was practically paralyzed and obviously not going anywhere.  One of the other boarders, Julie, came over and offered to hold the lead rope so I could see the ultrasound screen better, but as I moved away, Nox noticed.  In his drugged state, he couldn't move anything except his tail, which he swished frantically as he tried to lift his head.  Julie called me back and I patted Nox's shoulder and talked to him, and he calmed back down.  Dr. Meg said it was very sweet, how much he loved me.  Findings: Nox's suspensory ligament has a moderate tear, several weeks to months old.  The good news is that it has already started healing, despite the fact that he has been working.  My shock: he's had a torn ligament and I have been working him harder, instead of treating this painful injury.  I should have done this lameness evaluation months ago.

Treatment: 45 days of as much rest as possible and special shoes

Dr. Meg recommended stall rest for 45 days.  Nox can only be let out in the indoor ring for a few minutes while his stall is cleaned, as long as he doesn't walk around too much, and he NEVER trots or canters.  The fewer steps he takes over the next 6 weeks, the better.  He needs wedge shoes on the hind hooves for 5-7 months, at least, and shoes on the front.  She will ultrasound him again in 6 weeks and we'll see how he is healing and when he can start easy work again. 

Prognosis: he will heal completely and he should be able to return to full work again in a few months.  His front legs are fine.  I should continue to trim the left front heel down, but the lameness is not coming from the front.  Dr. Meg thinks he has a great future and by the looks of his trot during the nerve block, she thinks he'll be "amazing" to ride, once we fix this ligament tear. 

Last night, I felt so relieved to have a diagnosis and a plan to fix Nox's lameness.  I have been guessing and worrying for so long that I just felt relief to have answers.  This morning, the full weight of those answers hit me, and it is devastating.  A few months ago, I knew something was different in Nox's gait and I should have scheduled the lameness evaluation right then.  Instead, I waited and listened to advice that was wrong.  My heart is broken.  I pushed my horse to work harder through real pain from a torn ligament when I should have let him rest and heal.  He resisted picking up the left lead at the canter and I made him do it anyway.  He has to push off with the right hind leg when cantering to the left, and that must have been really painful for him - and I made him do it.  He was trying to tell me that he was hurting, and I was hearing him completely wrong.  The fact that he did pick up the left lead, that he did trot around the ring and jump over small crossrail jumps, is a testament to how much a good horse will do for his rider, and that breaks my heart even more.  I wish he had bucked me off instead and refused to do anything.  I went to the barn every day and caused my horse pain.  He should be cowering in the back of his stall when he hears me come in, not nickering happily to see me. 

Guilt and regret are useless emotions, but I feel so guilty.  Best Husband Ever tried to sooth me this morning, as I sobbed and cried on his shoulder.  He said all the placating things, like "you were doing what you thought was right", "you weren't intentionally hurting him", "now we know what's wrong and we'll do everything we can to fix him", etc.  I just can't believe that I did this to Nox.  I'm lucky that despite my mistakes, he will recover fully and I didn't break him forever.  I went to the barn today and just hugged him and cried into his neck.  I feel so awful and terrible.  He wants me to stand by his side when he's drugged and confused, despite the fact that I ignored the signs of his pain and made him work for months.  Horses are the most forgiving creatures on earth.  He deserves better than what I've done to him.  I'm going to do better.  Right now, he gets 45 days of rest, lots of carrots, apples, and love, and a promise to listen to him better.

 
P.S. I've been crying all day and sobbed my way through this blog post, so if there are more spelling/grammar mistakes than usual, please forgive me.  (I'll be fine in a few days, but for now, I'm sad and guilt-ridden.)